Good evening, and welcome to [your name here] cinemas. Tickets, please?
We
hope you enjoy your moviegoing experience. Please silence your cell
phones, pagers, PDAs, travel alarm clocks, infants and gastrointestinal
conditions.
To facilitate tonight’s screening of ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.,
[your name here] cinema management has taken down the oversized Van
Halen poster that has adorned our north wall since 1989. The paint
underneath has been protected, therefore, from 17 years of handprints,
cigar smoke and superball scuffs, and retains a comparatively brilliant
white sheen when seen side-by-side with the screening room’s other
three dingy walls. When you see Raquel Welch’s bountiful talents
squeezed into prehistory’s first and greatest cave-bikini, you’ll be
glad we made this extra effort (and as furious as we are that the
Academy overlooked ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. for 1966’s Costume Design Oscar).
Tonight’s
feature will be projected through our state-of-the-art digital light
processing Cinego front projector with integrated DVD
player and 2.1 speaker system with subwoofer. This setup requires no
union projectionist to operate and we think you’ll find the picture
sharp and the sound clean. For those audience members who are sensitive
to loud noises, we recommend a seat in the rearmost section of the
theatre, which, on nights when no feature is being shown, we call “the
laundry room.” While you’re back there, would you mind folding those
towels? That would be awesome; thanks, mom.
Remember, [your
name here] cinemas strictly prohibit film piracy. If you see someone in
the audience with video recording equipment during tonight’s movie,
please report him to [your name here] cinema staff, and we will make
arrangements to just loan him the DVD already, sheesh.
Refreshments
are not provided by [your name here] cinemas, so we encourage patrons
to bring outside food and drink. There’s still time before the show,
actually, if you want to run to the corner store. Bring me back some
Teriyaki jerky, would you? We’ll wait.
Thank you, and enjoy the show!